This is an absolutely shity day

i realised that some seniors were reading my blog. One of them was pissed cos it made him look bad. I didn't mean to slag off anybody. Seriously.

I did not intentionally put anybody in a bad light. Having said that, I wonder why I feel like a bad guy now.

An innocent post about a gathering led to serious repurcussions. I guess it was misinterpreted. Whatever it is, boundaries have been drawn and gates have been locked. It's kinda difficult to change anything now.

I suppose I should apologise since I hurt someone who says that he is now at the nadir of his existence. However, I'd really like him to see things from my perspective. I mean, I really made a conscious effort not to identify anybody. Besides, how was i to know that others are reading? I've never given my url out to anybody who does not know me well.

At least he has tons of people around him to say that "things are ok" and stuff...I'll have to weather this storm alone. I am starting to dread the first day of school. Suddenly, the sky seems much darker and bleaker.

Things are worse because the seed of mistrust has been planted. I bet even if I apologise, things would hardly get better. I'm just really, really sianz ji pua that I have to step into law school with shit hanging around my neck. I bet I will be ostracised from Day One...doomed for eternity to eat alone during breaks and study alone before exams.

I have not exactly called my senior to clarify matters yet. I guess i will evade him for as long as i can. From now on, I think I'll have to take a detour if i see him walking towards me. I think it's stupid that I have to feel this way. It's not that I am guilty. It's just really unpleasant. I shudder when I wonder what goes on in his head as I walk pass him along the corridor. I do not think I've done him any injustice. After all, I did not insult him in his face or behind his back. I merely talked about a gathering at his house.

I think both of us are victims of the circumstances. I was hurt when he published a post on his blog with a link directing more people to come to my blog...so now more people can look at the post. I think this is the worst way to control the damage. By the way, I'm going to remove the "offensive" post. I'm feeling kinda mad myself cos it was never meant to be offensive in the first place. Secondly, I did not slag any individual off...and even if i did, it's my blog rite? I've never had to erase something on my blog just to make someone feel better. Never. This is the first time.

I was also really angry that he did not call me to clarify matters. We have been friends for some time and I expected him to let me know, either privately or otherwise, so I can take an appropriate course of action (ie delete the post or whatever). Instead, he placed a link (without my knowledge or permission) to my blog and made a really, really big hoo-ha regarding the matter. I mean, if you find it so offensive, why broadcast it to the whole world? So that the rest of the world can stand on one side AGAINST me when term starts? So that more year twos, who have only heard your side of the story can point their fingers and judge me? So that people think I am a conniving snake? I dunno man.

Maybe I am a connivng snake after all, destined to crawl on my belly for the rest of my life. I'm pretty certain I will be crawling on my belly for my whole life in law school.

The shame is too much to bear. I cannot take it any more. All I can do now is pray that I would not be some leper outcaste when school starts. It's really sad cos he was my favourite senior. I really identified very well with him. Looks like those happy days are over.

I better find a comfy spot in the shadows. I'll be lurking there in solitude and misery for a long time to come. And the worse thing is...

Nobody's here to say "it's ok".