I'm currently feeling out-of-sync with reality.

Everything seems so distant and detached. I am part of the audience in the matinee of my life...and not the lead actor that I am supposed to be. Days pass and night falls...and time goes by without me becoming any stronger and wiser... I spend an eternity lost in a labyrinth of my memories...where the ghosts of the past return to haunt me and demons lurk under forgotten trapdoors...

I try to move on. To flee. From the dark clouds that gather in my heart.

Time and again, I fail...and my sense of hopelessness mounts in intensity at each turn.

People say that all I need is a good break away from everything...a sojourn to escape from the rabid attention of the lupine crowds. I am not so foolish to take them at their word...

...because I know.

I know that the sadness that fills me has its source buried deep within. I am just very tired of everything and everyone now...and it makes me so guilty to know that the ones whom I snap at in my self-inflicted malaise are the ones who care about me the most. At work I am silent and mechanical...I go through the motions like an automaton...In fact, I laugh sometimes. Isn't it ironic that my job requires me to act as nothing more than a machine?

Everyday comes and goes like a black and white movie. Sometimes days pass without me being conscious of their passage...but most of the time, I am aware...and I feel that time seems so long and dark. When people laugh, I twist my mouth into a reluctant half-smile...just to show them that there is still a little bit of humanity within me. When the people ask me how I am, I reply with silence at first...and then the perfunctory " it's ok. I am fine."

...but I am not fine. I am confused. I am lost. I am afraid. and I want all this to end...

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