Really feeling conflicted lately.

Six years is a big gap...

When I was in Primary One, She was in Secondary One...

When I am 25, she will be 31...

Maybe it's not such a good idea after all...

But I've fallen in too deep...and it's hard to come up for air...

Feeling down the past few days.

Children in my class are really noisy and naughty. One of them emptied his classmate's school bag into a big drain full of fast-flowing water during an afternoon of torrential rain. The victim went rabid and jumped in to retrieve his barang barang...I cried "honour and glory" and then jumped in after him...Why must this happen five minutes before dismissal time?

Yesteday, the sewage pipe burst...shit floated all over a toilet. I was on corridor duty and had to check things out...I nearly fainted from the horrid odour...At first I thought a student with diarrhoea could not control his bowel movements and did it behind the staircase, until I saw the toilet floor covered with you-know-what.

Why is it that each day at school leaves me feeling like I have swallowed razor blades? I scream but nobody gives a damn.

Got a new lobang as a nightspot reviewer with funkygrad...first assignment was covering some SMU bash at DXO...lousy club, lousy crowd and lousy party...but Paul and Stefan, the two photogs working with me, are real pros...Interviewed two models after the fashion show...must say that they were quite chio...took photo with them..haha

Next gig will probably be at Butter Factory...crossing my fingers that the people in editorial give me that one.

I miss my beautiful architect....

"Purest of Pain"

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call
but I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it
and so I surrender just to hear your voice

I know how many times I said I'm gonna to live with out you
and maybe someone else is standing there beside you
but there's something baby that you need to know
that deep inside me I feel like I'm dying

I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.
Vida, give me back my fantasies
the courage that I need to live
the air that I breathe

carino mio, my world becomes so empty
my day's are so cold and lonely
and each night I taste
the purest of pain.

I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better every day
that it didn't hurt me when you walked away
but to tell you the truth I can't find my way
and deep inside me I feel like I'm dying

That Old Devil called Love has snagged my heart again...

Once again, I stay up late into the night to talk on the phone ( why don't people in love ever talk in the day?)

Once again, I will have to toss and turn in bed, thinking of her for two hours before sleep overwhelms me.

Once again, all the quiet moments in the day will be filled with thoughts of her and her beautiful eyes...

Once again, socks will be mismatched, books misplaced and instructions misheard...simply because my heart is not with me for most of the day.

Once again, the florist and I will rekindle our years-long friendship...and she will find me more than willing to part with my money for the additional rose buds and sunflowers...

Once again, my parents will nag about priorities, responsibilities and accountability...all their little lectures would not make any sense to this little puppy in love.

Once again, I am made aware of my little inadequecies and insecurities...and once again I will vow to change them.

Once again, I will feel fear, anxiety and distress...as well as hope, peace and anticipation.

Once again, my looks become more important to myself.and that means using icky contact lenses...

Once again, all my friends will be bored to tears with tales of how I spent the weekend with her...and they will all pray that I get bored of her company soon.

Once again, I will vow never to be bored of her company, knowing that the vow would be empty and shallow.

Once again, I will wait for hours just so that she is free enough for me to wish her good night.

Once again, I will have to choose a place to eat and something to do...going with the herd is no longer the comfy option...

Once again, people around me will urge me to reconsider...

Once again, I will ask them to bugger off...while something deep inside me urges me to slow down and listen ( I think the little voice is common sense.)

Once again, I will have to think and think and think...

But you know what? I think all of this is worth it at the end of the day.

"Amor, no es amor (if this aint love)

Is this an illusion that I have in my heart?"

~ Frankie J. "Obsession"

A sultry Margarita.

A beautiful stranger.

A recipe for danger.

The dance floor beckons...

we unleash our inhibitions,

like mating pythons shedding dry moults.

Let the air of the night fill our gasping lungs,

let us drink deep from each other's secret wells...

Let there be nothing hidden as our shadows meet and kiss.

Our eyes taunt and tempt,

our breath is hot and heavy...

our hungry hearts beat to the same rhythm.

We are slaves to Desire,

enthralled by Delirium...

the night captures us in a moving dream.

Forget yourselves for una noche...

forget your fears, hopes and senses....

fill your hearts with the fire of passion-

the fire that makes us ache in our ecstacy.

When there is no ground beneath your feet,

when her locks whip your fevered brow,

when the world disappears in a whirlpool...

Time stops...

you are blessed with a fleeting moment of Immortality.

Oh my...What can get more cheesy than what I have just written?! But thought I'd post it anyway because for everyone to read and have a good laugh! Haha...Figured I can actually write crap poems quite well...wonder if Hallmark will pay me to do this full-time?

Went to Xenbar last night...

What a disappointment....expected a hip and happening joint with dry ice, beautiful people and a live band...you know, the works....All we got was a thin crowd and a tiny dance-floor.

Arrived at around 9.30 and sat awhile at the bar area waiting for my two pallies. My first impression of the place was bad because there was a heavy odour of deep-fried animal parts at the bar area. The bar overlooks an open-kitchen, which is not really a scenic site. The Filipino bartender poured me a Coke lite and I stewed around for awhile. There was a class going on, so the dance floor was out-of-bounds. I did not enjoy waiting while being masked by the horrid oily smell.

When the dance floor was finally open, I made my way to the middle deck with a lukewarm soda in my hand. At the dance floor last night, there were no more than four chicks....There were at least ten guys! I was glib and managed to convince a young lady to dance with me...Unfortunately, she was a foot taller than me. We stumbled around because she could not clear my allardes and turns, but we did have alot of fun laughing at ourselves! We shared an okay dance, pleasant but so forgettable...I do not even remember her name now!

When I was dancing with her, my buddies Ken and Rui arrived. They ordered Tigers and vodka lime and then proceeded to slink away in the shadows to sip their drinks. After a round of bacchata with the same young lady, I went over to join them. The three of us bitched about what a sad place this was, and left half an hour later.

It was an unfulfilling evening.

Wow.

That's the only word in my mind after my first L.A. lesson.

Almost everyone is 5 or 6 levels above me...The people from the L.A. class have already completed the entire Cuban syllabus. Some of them have dance experience from other schools...so they are technically competent as well as widely exposed...and they are not afraid to show it.

I stumbled around like a drunk penguin throughout the lesson. Even though I had intensive secret training, nothing prepared me for what was in store. The Cross-body turn itself was enough to make me see stars....Worse, we had to execute it with Allardes and leads, all the while maintaining our shimmies and footwork! Spotting practice was a nightmare...it made the hook turns and combi-turns that I had learnt in Salsa 1 seem really easy.

I thought The Hardcore Clique (i.e. Desche, Jon, Kelvin, Val, Clara, Angeline and me) was already the most "seow on" clique in Jitterbugs, but I was proven wrong. The L.A. crowd is much younger than the Salsa 1 crowd...and the class has nearly twice as many people...Everyone is so energetic, playful and loud...I feel old just being in the same room as them...There are a few older ladies, but even they seem more lively than me. Everybody was so enthu that our lesson was extended by half an hour! Talk about value for money! Girls in the L.A. class are less hot than those in the Salsa 1 class (*sighz*)...but they are sassier, more open and more willing to try out new things (*yeahz!*).

Fortunately, Joyce remained our female dance instructor...Barry replaced Jason as the male lead...My first impression of him was quite good...He has very high standards, is a perfectionist and pays alot of attention to details that are easily overlooked. I think he is a focused and passionate instructor. Compared to Jason, his expectations are definitely more difficult to meet.

Looks like this class will be interesting...

At this juncture, I just want to show appreciation to my family. Recently, I was down in the doldrums. My family really helped me to pull myself together and find new meaning in life. I've realised that I've placed too much attention on the wrong things in life. I guess it's time I picked up the pieces and moved on.

When I asked my dad why he was so good to me even though I am so bad to him sometimes, he just said,

" When you are a father yourself, you will know why..."

Think about it.

Time really flies...

After countless rounds of turns, twists, breaks, shins and shimmies, I am done with Salsa 1...Our class will soon be streamed. I hope to devote myself to mastering L.A. or Cuban style soon. Jason and Iris gave a great demo of Casino Salsa...but it does not appeal to me.

Over the weeks, Union has become our "training ground". The best way to improve is to dance with someone from another dance school, or someone who is obviously much better than you. Tuesdays are Beginner Nights, so it is a great opportunity to practise. On weekend nights, the dance floor is filled with pros and zai people. For mere mortals, it seems that the only thing to do is watch and sip Martinis...

After last night's lesson, the hardcore clique (Val, Clara, Angeline, Dash, Jon.C and me) duly adjourned to Union to groove and chill. The ladies took a cab and Dash drove the guys (talk about reversal of gender roles!)...but then we got lost somewhere at Telok Blangah and ended up going around in circles and figures-of-eight...When we arrived at Union, I was already a little bit dizzy...

Nevertheless, it was only a short while before we made our way to do dance floor and started grooving along...I danced with the three ladies for awhile before I went to look for a dance partner from another school...

First up was Sharon from L.A. Dance Studio...As a freelance fitness instructor, she had heaps of stamina and was able to keep pace with the up tempo beats of the livelier numbers (even as I was beginning to get an asthma attack from overexertion!) Her breaks were a little bit off, but I liked the way she executed her basics...She really brought in alot of her own style. Her shimmies were really great. Excellent upper body movement! I was really impressed by her hips...they moved to their own beat...really, really sensual and sultry (I don't mean this in a cheeko pek way...btw, it's sultry, not slutty...)

Next up was Chris, from Attitude Dance Studio. This lady was a noob, so I had to work quite hard on leads and turns. She smiled alot, which kinda made the hardwork that I had put in worth it..haha. I had to make sure that my repertoire did not throw her off her tracks...Luckily, the songs we danced to were rather even-tempoed numbers that did not call for nifty footwork or violent sashaying...I had alot of fun dancing with her, too bad I got scratched by the chunky ring on her index finger.

Number three was Elizabeth, who had picked up Salsa from Jitterbugs and JJ...She was sassy and full of attitude...but very nice towards me...It was easy dancing with her because we came from the same school, and she was able to pick up all my leads. She smiled alot and gave me tips...I really have to keep her advice in mind and step harder when I do my breaks and shins...It's all a matter of weight distribution.

Pity the kopi clique could not join us last night....Missed Roy's wisecracks and Evelyn's laughter...Hope to see them on Friday for the Fiesta.

Well, I'm looking forward to the Fiesta...Hope Friday comes soon!

Questions to ask your heart:

Do you want to live like there's no tommorrow or spend your waking moments worrying what tommorrow may bring?

Do you want to die young or live a long life...but grow old and wither?

Is it better to have loved and lost or to keep your heart pure and unscarred?

They say that Time heals all wounds...but can Time heal the scars that are the legacy of these wounds?

Why is it that the sunsets are but a prelude to darkness?

Would you prefer a simple life or one filled with great deeds and excitement?

Why do the most beautiful things never fully belong to you?

Why do we always hurt the people who love us the most?

Why do I feel lonelier in a crowd than on my own?

Why is it that when we finally get the things we work so hard for, we never learn to cherish and treasure them?