Letter To My Future Wife 1

Dear Wife,

This is your future husband speaking.

At this moment of time i feel like i am living in an emotional desert.

Sometimes,i think that i am the desert.

I am gradually losing my ability to emphatise,to treasure and to give...the three motions of love.Sometimes i feel like an automaton...drifting past life without aim or meaning.Sometimes i am a bundle of nervous energy...volatile,unreliable and self-serving...I am not a good man.I am a liar, a conceited sepulchre...an emotional vampire who feeds on the love and affection of others and leaves them drained,tired and hopeless.

My outbursts frighten my family.My erratic mood swings unnerve my loved ones.I don't understand the chaotic eddying of my own mind.I want pure and simple love,but i am just too irresponsible and unpredictable.I am a young man with the heart of an old,grey shade.

But i promise to change.

You see wife,what i yearn for at the end of the day is to be a proper,mature man.I want to live my life making life better for the people around me.I want to be a care-giver and to provide support for my loved ones..I want to live my life for the purpose of loving and nurturing.

I want to be accepted.

I want to be a blessing to the people around me.

To do that,i am willing to shed my present skin.But it is going to take time because i am so comfortable in it...and to change would require a monumental effort...because i have been so dark and so arid for too long.But i really want to be a better man...what i need is a little bit of faith in myself.

But this is me today.Fed up at what an absolute gargoyle i have become.

However,it is my strongest hope that one day i will become a good husband and father.That i can bring a little bit of laughter and sunshine into the lives of my loved ones.That people i meet at parties wouldn't ask ,"is there anything wrong?you look sian."...and i wouldn't have to reply,"that's just me."

and so i ask for a little bit of time and space to change.

and i will take the steps to change.

Captain Corelli's Mandolin

i've just finished Captain Corelli's Mandolin by Louis de Bernières..

The story takes place in the Idyll Cellaphonia, a small Greek island that is still, in the years before World War II, touched with all the magic of Greek legend, and suffused with a light that is "as though straight from the imagination of God in His youngest days, when He still believed that all was good" [pp. 6-7]. There the elderly Dr. Iannis and his beautiful daughter, Pelagia, enjoy an idyllic existence, and at the age of seventeen Pelagia falls in love and becomes engaged to a handsome young fisherman, Mandras.

But in 1940 the Italians attack Greece, and the violent reality of the war disrupts the villagers' quiet lives and changes them forever. Mandras leaves Cephallonia to go to war, and upon Greece's defeat by the Axis the island is occupied by Mussolini's army. One of the Italian officers is billeted with Dr. Iannis: Antonio Corelli, a high-spirited and generous young man who plays the mandolin like an angel and inspires impromptu opera performances among his troops. Nominally an invader, an enemy to the Cephallonians, Corelli soon becomes a cherished member of their community and Pelagia inevitably becomes fascinated by him with all his promise of music, love, and joy.

The defeat of the Italian army at the hands of the Allied forces brings new traumas and dilemmas for Pelagia and Corelli, as the Germans rout their erstwhile Italian allies with a series of hair-raising murders and atrocities, and, after the armistice, Greece herself is plunged into a brutal civil war between Communist and royalist forces. Pelagia's optimism and love of life is challenged as she suffers dreadful losses, but her courage and tenacity sustain her, and finally her lifelong search for love does not go unrewarded.

what i like about the book is the way the author tells the story through different pespectives. We see the events unfolding through the eyes of Carlo,the courageous homosexual,Mandras,the malleable fisherman and the hauntingly beautiful Pelegia. Bernier's masterful strokes and vivid narrative allows the novel to transcend the mundane;to stand out among the greatest love stories of our time.Irony is redolent...it is present in its acerbic,bitter and comical guises.This imbues the novel with layers of complexity and the result is a balanced,intelligent work that vacillates between moments of child-like,innocent joy and painful sorrow.The lush socio-political commentary,including a chapter painting the cruel,decadent mind of Mussolini (written in stream of conciousness form) provide a stunning backdrop.

Strongly recommended.

i want to be a rose

"A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell Just As Sweet"
William Shakespeare

I want to be a rose.

don't you think a rose is a beautiful thing to be? you are resplendent in your glory and majestic in your allure...

it's nice to be admired.to be idealised.to be used to make people happy.
A rose can touch the heart of the most bitter cynic.It can turn the coy maiden into an intense conflagoration of passion.it can give warmth where there was cold.it can cool the most heated tempers.

A rose symbolises love,beauty and passion all at once...It represents the underpinings of desire within the human heart.The act of presenting a rose to a loved one shows that she is important to your existence.Simultaneously,you praise her virtues;you show her that you think a rose personifies her the most.Do you know that different numbers of roses represent the varying degrees of emotion in a Man's heart?For instance,a single rose shows the Lady that she is irreplacable..."you are my one and only"it can also symbolise simplicity...in full bloom,it speaks the strongest of words,"I LOVE YOU"......99 roses represent the undying,eternal flame that is your love..."Ai ni chang chang jio jio"...

What is your favourite rose? Red ones imply passion...White ones represent purity,silence and secrecy...Deep pink ones symbolise gratitude and appreciation...Light pink ones stand for admiration and sympathy...Orange or coral roses are symbols of enthusiasm and desire.A rose bud says,"you are young and beautiful"...

"The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love;
O, the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove."

John Boyle O’Reilly

hmm...i've always believed that a garden full of nothing but roses,set in arbours and trellis,cascading down the eaves like water in a waterfall is the most beautiful sight.It would be even better if turtle doves and monarch butterflies could flit around and complement the dreamscape like Angels of God...And to crown all this beauty,to have the queen of my heart next to me.

When i die,i want to be a reborn as a rose.

"Red Rose, proud Rose, sad Rose of all my days!Come near me, while I sing the ancient ways" William Butler Yeats

i want to inspire generations of poets and artists so they can fill the world with beautiful words and song.

Don't you think a rose is a beautiful thing?

Foolish Games~Jewel

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You were always crazy like that

I watched from my window,
always felt I was outside looking in on you

You were always the mysterious one
with dark eyes and careless hair,

You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care

Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
besides some comment on the weather

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees

These foolish games are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart

You were always brilliant in the morning
Smoking your cigarettes, talking over coffee
You philosophies on art, Baroque moved you,
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar
You'd teach me of honest things
Things that were daring, things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean

So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself


You took off your coat and stood in the rain
you were always like that

Reflections

i've been thinking alot lately.

About who I am and what I want to be.

About how far I've come and how long it took to get here...and what i can see yonder

About how i've yearned for love and acceptance...

...and how i've thrown and wasted when i got them.

...and why the ones who truly love us are the ones we hurt the most...

About who the Bedrocks are in my life...

...and who are just in transit...

About how much i've learnt...

and why the more i've learnt, the less i am sure of knowing.

About the books i've read and the people in them

and how often in life people i meet are like the people i read about.

About what the world would be like if i was blind.deaf.mute.

About how i would see the world if i was maimed.diseased.crippled.