Heaven...

Days in the sun...summer flowers...the sunrise...A cloud shaped like a sleeping Angel...lazy days in the mall...cotton candy...first kiss...freshly-cut grass...milk...steam in a coffee cup...a walk in the rain...mother's love...serendipity...Freedom...children laughing...confidence...peace...a leaping rainbow...Dancing in the dark...a glass of sharp,crisp Pouilly fume...a crimson rose...

and You...

the only Heaven I believe in.

Tainted Love~epilogue

Don't be foolish.

Be strong.

Confront your demons.

and never lose the will to love and be loved.

Tainted Love~6

"Yes...there is a pain somewhere...but pull yourself together...you are still young..."

"Would it not be nice to bleed out all the pain? but you must not do that...pain can only be overcome with strength,dignity and grace."

"So find the courage to move on...not to move on in death but to move on in life..."

but she does not listen...in her haste to jump onto the train into the beautiful new world...she has not only become blind...but deaf and insensate as well...The truth and the purity behind the words of family and friend are lost to her chaotic mind...and she takes one final leap into the abyss..

Tainted Love~5

The curtain falls...

Waves come crashing down on you...

An eclipse...

You are numb...not in pain...but numb...apathetic...unable to react...you are too weak to stand...your body collapses as your heart stops beating...you feel as if someone has just drawn all the vapours of life from your very being...

the silence is explosive...you unleash a painful scream from deep within...but the shock has muted you...your lips...your tongue...your vocal chords...all frozen...all cold...

Disbelief.

Confusion.

Madness.

The split was tectonic...but his clinical detachment...his disaffected,casual words...how could he even bear to speak as if he was making a trivial announcement? like "the weather today is really hot..."or " I like my coffee black"...all so unreal...all so unconvincing...

but it is true,dear girl...he has had his fun.

"Thanks for the moet and chandon...thanks for letting me have the RX8 on weekends...Thanks for the swanky clothes...they look brilliant on me...but don't you think they look so..." last year"? Oh...and the foie gras at Les Amis is really as good as the magazines say it is...now that i've tasted it...Oh,and by the way...i'd like you to meet S....i've been seeing her for a month already and i think it is time to introduce her to my good friends...like you..."

you struggle like a guppy that has jumped onto the carpet and is gasping for air.

and wish that the whole world would just die and leave you alone...

and then you have an epiphany...

the whole world can't die at once...but what if a better world lies yonder...one where the bluebirds in the trees sang for you only...where the very land is just one big rose garden?where time and space does not exist...and you are forever 25?

A world with no love and hate...no passion or desire...no darkness or pain...

A beautiful world.

Tainted Love~4

In the Fairy Tales, evil's face is so easily recognisable...

With time...we have learnt that not all wolves have fangs and blood-red throats...not all demons smell of fire and brimstone...not all witches are obsidian and ugly...

some are beautiful...even cherubic...some wolves are rugged and handsome...some demons are intense and sophisticated...but when your eyes have been trained to analyse financial data and spot a good investment...you inadvertently blind yourself...you judge a person's nature by his tastes,his appeareance...

but the vultures are always there to feed on you...

they want you and the opportunities that your money brings them...

they want your heart and soul...you are a slave enthralled to their every whim and desire...

they want your body...their eternally insatiable hunger craves the pleasure that your body yields...

they want your silence...so that those who truly love you are being kept in the dark while you are being bled dry...

you are everything to them...a plaything...a ladder...an emboidered Russian doll to exhibit to their friends...a receptacle for them to spit up their festering,lurking frustrations...a table to beat with their angry fists when they are maddened by wrath...a kite that they manipulate by deciding when to pull back and when to let go...

You follow them on your own little leash...you are unconsciously aware that you are falling down the dark maw of self-perdition...but you have lost control...you have been drugged...and your delusions about reality cloud your better judgment.

Things at home are not looking up either...your parents' frantic worrying leads to tempests in the living room...you believe yourself to be capable of making your own decisions...but your thinking has been going through a downward spiral...

all the time the painted sycophant lingers around you...stroking you...his beautiful lies like the caresses of the summer breeze...poison is poured into your mind from the chalice of his mouth...his tongue is seductive velvet...making your body wet whilst delving into the deepest core of your being...your heart...

In a matter of time...the final curtain will fall...you know it...a shred of objectivity deep inside you tells you that...but this little voice of God is overwhelmed by the smooth baritone of his flase promises...which strangle your little walls of resistence in a rising Cresecendo...

soon now...soon...

Tainted Love~3

When love comes to the unloved it is like the Sun's warmth bringing forth a germination.

But when you have too many nice toys...who can say that love is for the sake of love itself?

Afterall...sometimes people think it is more fun when you have someone to share all the nice things in life with...

someone to dance with you in the iridescent strobes...where the neon lights are so bright that day is night and night is day...someone to get drunk on ecstacy with you...to fly to the tops of the peaks of pleasure with you...someone to ride the winds on the highways with you...to gorge on every decadent, hedonistic pleasure that this world,or your money, can offer...someone who sings deeply the ardent chords of a whisky-soaked love song...someone,who just by whispering the most saccherine of lies to your ever-eager ear, gives you a sensual emotional orgasm.

and you forget your loneliness...if only for an instant...you shed your emptiness like some horrid mantle that you are only too relieved to be rid of...someone has filled you with the insatiable hunger for instant gratification...someone else is ready to partake the golden fruit that your hardwork has yielded...

Human beings are by nature selfish...but you are so tired with enjoying samsara all by yourself that you are desperate for someone else to share your bounty...

and the whole world is full of well-dressed thieves who would gladly grant your wish.

Tainted Love~2

Young.

Successful.

Independant.

Empty.

How often have we seen people like this? People who have experienced all the trappings of the material world...

The RX8...
The Premium clubs...
The truffles and Foie gras...
The Carnival Nights at ATTICA...INDOCHINE...VELVET UNDERGROUND...
The intoxicating nectars
The bright lights...Fame...sex...instant gratification...Free love...

But when was the last time you loved and you were truly loved?

Tainted Love ~1

Someone close attempted suicide last week.

She decided that she wanted to leave on a train that would take her far, far away...far from the maddening crowds...far from the dark days and the hot and heavy neon-lit nights...far away from the people who seemed always to claw at her back...those who tormented her like dark swarms of demented wasps...

far away from the pain that she had always suffered...yet could not see.or hear.or identify.

Far away from the vultures.

Far away from the serpants that haunted her every nightmare.

Far away from the vivid flashbacks...that seemed to sear into her memory

Was it bad luck that we managed to pull her back?

Promise Me

You light up another cigarette
and I pour the wine
It's four o'clock in the morningand it's starting to get light
now I'm right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night
You look like you're in another world
but I can read your mind
how can you be so far away lying by my side
when I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...
Promise me you'll wait for me'
cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
I'll be home, I'll be home soon

When I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of youevery night and day just
...Promise me you'll wait for me'
cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home
Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon.

Leaving On Jet Plane

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
but the dawn is breaking, its early morn
the taxi's waiting he's blowin' his horn
Already, I'm so lonesome I could die.

So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.
Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane,
I dont know when I'll be back again.
Oh babe I hate to go.
There's so many times I've let you down,
so many times I've been around, but
I don't know, they don't mean a thing.
Every place I go I think of you,
every song I sing, I sing for you.
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring.

Now the time has come to leave you,
one more time oh let me kiss you...
Now close your eyes and I'll be on my way.
Dream about the days to come
when I wont have to leave alone
about the times that I wont have to say...

And I'm leaving on a jet plane
don't know when I'll be back again.
Oh babe I hate to go
but I'm leaving on a jet plane
leaving on a jet plane.


Girl...you are always with me in my thoughts and prayers.You light my path even as i am mired in the darkest of nightmares.Even as i leave,i am grateful that your beauty has touched my life.

You have left something beautiful within me...You give me peace.

Love you always.
Miss you for now.

Without you

My life is perpetual winter...
loneliness shares my bed...
as i convulse unloved and sleepless...

No swallows to serenade me...
no hearth to keep me warm...
no love to fill my sad and hungry heart.

My face etched in a silent scream...
and my eyes red from pining...

Time Stopped.

Time stopped when i first beheld you...
When Angels filled the air with hymns of love and joy...
When the frothing sea embraced the pristine coast...
When the quinquirem sailed into the sheltered harbour.

Time stopped when we touched each other's hearts...
when deep within we stirred the silent promise...
when our vow to love was stronger than any
iron-strengthened contract.

Time stopped when life pulled me away...
led me through darkened chambers...
lightless catacombs
hordes of vicious inner demons.

Time stopped when the winds of fate...
blew me to a foreign land...
where i stood,
not alone
but lonely.

without you.

Parting

It is never easy to be away from the ones you love.

To be absent when they need you the most...when they are feeling small,lonely or bitter...when darkness closes around them like a curtain...When they need someone to listen to them and tell them things are going to be alright...when the coldness of the world around them freezes their hearts...when they are even lonelier than the Lonestar in the Texan Desert sky...when they are at the Nadir of their existence...

It is not a good feeling.

How I wish i could always be there for you.

When the nights are cold i will hold you close.

When the vultures bear down upon us i will offer myself.

When you are tired i will bear your load...i will carry you over the turbulent waters...I will be a strong oak tree you can hold on to.

You are my Princess...as you have always been since you came into my life.

How i wish i could overcome this distance...and be right by your side when you whisper my name...i want to be in every breath that comes from your lips...

I want you to think of me everytime the raindrops fall....

I want you to think of me at first light every day...

When you smell the freshly-brewed coffee every morning,think of me...
and think of the times you smelled the same thing when your boy was with you...hmmm...if only i could make coffee for you every single morning.

Think of me if you smell a Rose garden...

Think of me when the thrush serenades the Park in the evening...

Think of me when you watch the playing children...for when i am with you i am but a little child...

Think of me when you see the creamy moon peering out of its cloudy veil in the night sky...for this is the moon i will be seeing wherever i am...

when you touch a newborn rabbit,think of me...for in your presence,i too can be soft and yielding...

and if you should dance with a dark and handsome stranger...you will feel me beside you...
For then you shall hear my breaking heart and my mournful love cry...

You

i can live *without you loving me...but i cannot live without loving you.

From the moment i found you, i knew i would never lose you...you will always be a part of me.

Your pain is my pain...but my pain is mine alone to keep.

When you are around...the world is a safer place for me...and for the both of us.

I want to be there when you are feeling lost and hopeless...just as you are always with me when i am lost and hopeless...

We need each other.



*actually i also cannot live...heh

Faithfully~Journey

Highway run
Into the midnight sun
Wheels go 'round and 'round
You're on my mind
Restless hearts
Sleep alone tonight
Sendin' all my love
Along the wire
They say that the road
Ain't no place to start a family
Right down the line
It's been you and me
And lovin' a music man
Ain't always what it's s'posed to be
Oh girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully
Circus life
Under the big top world
We all need the clowns
To make us smile
Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am
Lost without you
And being apart ain't easy
On this love affair
Two strangers learn
To fall in love again
I get the joy
Of rediscovering you
Oh girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully

The Three Degrees Of Love~Trez

I've always believe that the third degree of love comprises acceptance...

You accept that you can no longer change her into what you want her to be...You accept her bad habits...eating her own hair...her habit of talking like a human loudspeaker in public...all that makes you want to dissociate yourself with her,you claim to be beautiful...

When she is acting like a child,you become a friend she made at the playground...

When she is a criminal,you are her accomplice...

When quirky thoughts are spinning in her crazy mind...you are her co-conspirator...

When she falls...you will catch her...

When she soars into the sky...you are the breeze that bears her aloft...

When she wants to be a sailor...you are the ship...

When she feels like a whore...unclean,stained and tainted...you will be the Priest to wash away her sins...and wipe off all her tears...

When she is a gypsy...you will be the crystal ball in which she sees her future destiny...

When she has lost her mind...you are a fellow insaniac...convincing her that what she has seen is not a feverish hallucination but the beautiful reality that the rest of the world is to dull to perceive...

When she is sick and drained of all her charms...you bring cheer and comfort into her heart...

When all is darkness...you must be her candle...

All her flaws...all her imperfections...her emotional and intellectual anxieties...her pain and pleasure...her beauty and sadness... light and dark...her bursts of instability...her ethereal and sensuous countenance...her loneliness...her depression...her delerious inebriations...her coldness...her brilliance...her doubts,fears and insecurities...her vulnerabilities...her dreams and aspirations...her past,present and future...

her destiny....

I claim them all.

The Three Degrees Of Love~Dos

The second degree of love...is best expressed by one word...sacrifice....

You give more then you receive...and giving makes you feel good...

No longer content to enjoy her beauteous presence,you seek ways to give,give,give...

You give your time to a person...and each second you spend on her is full of goodness and meaning...

You give your love;share yourself like an incandescent candle lending its flame to another candle...

You tolerate crazy moments.when both of you shout and scream and say hurtful words that stab your hearts like arrays of little rapiers...

You delay your own gratification,sacrifice your wants and needs...just to show you respect her...venerate her ideals and opinions...place her in a little shrine within your heart.

To please her you sacrifice your ...your instinct for self-preservation...to make her happy you don't mind sacrificing your comfort and well-being...she can take your shoes...and you will feel happy walking home bare-footed...gratified by the fact that her feet will be warm and covered...and she will not suffer from the sores you will suffer the next morning.

You sacrifice friendship...because you want to spend time with her...and then you have to pretend that her friends are "lovely people"...even when talking to them gives you a strange stomachache...and their vacuous chatter stirs an eddying tempest within your mind...

You sacrifice your emotional wellness...you are a puppet to her...someone she can manipulate.twist.control...you are like a dog with a leash...you are tired...worn-out...but you have to follow her whims like a dog follows its master...because she is your heart's mistress...and the fear of losing her suppresses any thoughts of escaping...Ah...the ecstacy of Agony can be so immediate,familiar and compelling...

God only knows...whether sacrifice is noble and virtuous...or you have just wasted your youth.

The Three Degrees Of Love~uno

The first degree of love is the warm summer you feel when you are around her...the bated breath,the averted eyes...the impulse.the anticipation.the yearning and the desire...the delerious joy...the lively flirtation...the feeling of being lost and found at the same time...

the inevitable blushing-your countenance revealing what your heart wants to conceal...

the ambitious,grandiloquent promises..."i will love you forever"..."you are safe with me"..."let me take your hand."

the shy and evasive glances...

the electric current that sears your nerves when your hands touch...

You are born again....This life being the most glorious in the eternal cycle

You ride the wind;no longer adhering to the Law of gravity...

You are strong.secure.confident.
You are subservient.small.uncertain.

The ephemereal shower has watered the desert...

and has brought forth a burst of flora...rhododendron...date...cacti...

The light spreads...
the darkness is lifted...

You are Whole.

Drowning

I am drowning.Again.

Lost again...confused again...a victim of my own emotions again.

stuck.blind.aimless.weak.vulnerable.

She was the fruit that the dead tree bore... the harbringer of a glorious miracle...As beautiful as white light passing through a glass prism...her radiant beauty a sweeping tide of inspirational colour...suffusing me...nourishing my black-and-white existence...

In the past,life without her was empty but bearable....

but now...not hearing from her a day leaves me thirsting...

I don't know if i love her...

but thinking of her seems the most natural syndrome for me...you cannot stop the lungs from breathing...nor can you stop your heart from beating...without conscious thought...all this phenomena happen naturally...

i don't want her to find out...i don't want her to know that i am weak and lost.that i don't know what to do.that her beauty is a sensory overload to my heart,mind and soul.
I can't move forward because i am mired too deep.
i have played with fire...but now any night without that fire is a cold and dark night.
Work is the only distraction...but when i am alone...when i am in a quiet place...thoughts of her are all that fill my mind.

She is a beautiful witch...and i have been a victim of her sorcery...i have been turned into a frog...put to deep sleep...aged unnaturally...all because she has stunted my desire for all other pursuits.Hers is a strange curse that makes its victims want to come back for more...because of samsara...because she has enthralled and captivated with her charm and innocence...but know, i am addicted...and i fear the day this witch goes to a land far beyond...and leaves me in dire need of her beauty to live.I cannot pull away.my will is broken.

She is an Angel...blessing me with her presence when all was dry and barren...when my heart was a wasteland,she propagated it with the blossoms of laughter and joy...in my spirit she cultivated a garden...in which nurseries of simple pleasures and happy thoughts were planted...and the garden took the place of the wasteland...and my spirit was whole...but now i live in fear of the garden dying out...for the blossoms and the buds are frail,ephemeral beings....and one wrong word....would kill all the happy things we have nurtured in our garden.

She is a Rose...her beauty has coaxed the walls of trepidation to crumble...i cannot fight against her stealing beauty and infinite attraction.she makes me look deeper and deeper into myself...leads me to introspection.to contemplation.to reflection...such that i want my spirit purified so i am worthy of sniffing the rose and holding her in my palm...but the more i look at the man in the mirror...the less i am convinced i shall ever be worthy of her.

but i am sure her thoughts are far more simple.she sees a placid lake-tranquil on its surface...but the still waters run deep and fanthomless...if she only stepped in the lake,her heart would be gripped by panic and terror...and confusion...but her confusion and my confusion would be different as night and day...hers will be because what she thought was reality is but an illusion.I am confused because i don't know how to cope with how i am feeling...in this sense...we will both drown in the ensuing confusion...

and we will both be lifeless and lost...