I'm currently feeling out-of-sync with reality.

Everything seems so distant and detached. I am part of the audience in the matinee of my life...and not the lead actor that I am supposed to be. Days pass and night falls...and time goes by without me becoming any stronger and wiser... I spend an eternity lost in a labyrinth of my memories...where the ghosts of the past return to haunt me and demons lurk under forgotten trapdoors...

I try to move on. To flee. From the dark clouds that gather in my heart.

Time and again, I fail...and my sense of hopelessness mounts in intensity at each turn.

People say that all I need is a good break away from everything...a sojourn to escape from the rabid attention of the lupine crowds. I am not so foolish to take them at their word...

...because I know.

I know that the sadness that fills me has its source buried deep within. I am just very tired of everything and everyone now...and it makes me so guilty to know that the ones whom I snap at in my self-inflicted malaise are the ones who care about me the most. At work I am silent and mechanical...I go through the motions like an automaton...In fact, I laugh sometimes. Isn't it ironic that my job requires me to act as nothing more than a machine?

Everyday comes and goes like a black and white movie. Sometimes days pass without me being conscious of their passage...but most of the time, I am aware...and I feel that time seems so long and dark. When people laugh, I twist my mouth into a reluctant half-smile...just to show them that there is still a little bit of humanity within me. When the people ask me how I am, I reply with silence at first...and then the perfunctory " it's ok. I am fine."

...but I am not fine. I am confused. I am lost. I am afraid. and I want all this to end...

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Recovering from a hectic Saturday.

Went for a run this morning...the morning air was perfectly still and serene. Hillocks of pearl-coloured clouds diffused the carmine and vermillion rays of sunshine. The effect was simply breathtaking-a beautiful grey-sky morning.

We had guests in the afternoon so I had to prepare for their arrival. A group of lovely, bubbly young ladies were coming over for lunch and to watch some movies. It was my first time meeting this particular group of my sisters' friends, so I was looking forward to being a good host. Lunch would be fish and frozen potato wedges (which had to be defrosted and baked), toast with herb and garlic butter, canned cream-of-chicken, fresh fruit and jelly cocktail. Oh, and vinegared tomatoes with syrup. Preparing for lunch resulted in a series of kitchen capers...but since I am quite tired of writing about my clumsiness and incompetence, this entry will be about what went right.

I enjoyed lunch tremendously...because all the items in the menu were my favourite food. I did not want to look like a ravenous piranha at the dining table, so I only pinched a few bites here and there...but I did help myself to a flaky and tender piece of fish after I had washed the dishes...It was heavenly...all coated in a thick batter of self-raising flour and egg...marinated with generous lashings of tart lemon juice and Mcormick's freeze-dried mixed Italian herbs...and the creamy dollop of Heinz Tartare sauce that I had spooned onto the fish made it even richer and more flavourful! yumz! Too bad I burnt my tongue.

I joined the girls for movies after I had settled the dirty dishes...They were watching the Infernal Affairs trilogy, which I have always found to be brilliant...

Now to other matters...someone whom I am close to is feeling quite depressed and sad lately. I just want to tell her not to worry...and that things have a way of working themselves out...You are a beautiful person and you deserve better than to be filled with so much self-reproach, doubt and fear. Girl, we all have our weak moments....isn't there a song that goes, "even the best fall down sometime..."? but I want you to know that there are people who care for you out there...regardless of how vulnerable or helpless you are feeling.

I shall never, ever be a drug addict.

I realised this the moment I nearly passed out during the intravenous drip test that I went through yesterday. For the uninformed, this test involves nervous, squeamish young men inserting "otak"stick-sized needles into each others' veins in a process that is largely trial and error. The aim of this sordid business is to hook the casualty onto a makeshift ( I have to remind you of the implications of this word.) life-support system... in the event of a severe combat injury ( e.g. a broken skull caused by a meteorite shower of durians.)

Anyway, my partner was Seth, a protein-shake junkie and gym animal...and also one of my best buddies. Under the veneers of false bravado and self-assured machismo were two nervous wrecks...Neither of us had any idea how to do this thing without suffering dramatic fainting spells.

I have always entertained the notion that pain tests the bonds of friendship better than anything else. As I knelt beside my fallen buddy (he was supposed to be suffering from a ripped abdomen), I am now a firm believer in the veracity of this notion.

Marbles of perspiration formed around my tense brow as my quivering fingers sought Seth's veins. To be frank, the veins were very prominent....Due to long hours spent pumping iron, Seth's veins were succulent, voluptous and juicy-much like a rare filet mignon steak. I closed my eyes and let fate guide my wavering hand...

...and was royally screwed by the staff sergeant conducting the test. "Oiii! Ah ni kuan mana eh sai? (lit. How can you do it like this?)" I was too kancheong and had poked Seth's muscle instead of his vein...I was blithely unaware until I inadvertently caught a glimpse of Seth's face...which was involuntarily twitching in spasms...I swear I saw a fat tear roll down his jerking cheeks...just as his mouth was contorted into a silent scream...His facial expression brought to mind only one word, which I am sure Seth would have shrieked if he could somehow find his collapsed voice-" MAMA!!!"

I mumbled an apology and tried to remove the offending object from my ailing friend's flesh...but I met quite a lot of inertia as his muscles were so stiff...In retrospect, It was a darkly comical scenario...with me pushing and pulling the syringe like a fiddler struggling with a disobedient violin string.

When we switched places, things took a turn for the worse. After the traumatic experience, Seth had lost whatever scraps of confidence that he had. Worse, he had no idea how to tape on the plastic thingies...so I was left on the bench leaking blood like a faulty tap after Seth stabbed the wrong vein...By now, the staff sergeant was absolutely resigned to the fact that both of us were not destined to be acupuncturists. I was made a medical scapegoat as he used me to show the others what veinous bleeding was ( i.e. spurts of blood)...some joker even brought out his videocam...

On a much lighter note, I managed to catch Just Like Heaven yeasterday...a sweet and funny romantic comedy...A real treat for fans of Reese Witherspoon.

Currently reading Trithy Umbriger's 'Bombay Time'... simply brilliant.

Sunday morning started with a horrid monsoonal rain...The kind of rain that makes you hate waking up and going out. The kind of rain that makes it seem as if the sky had gastric flu and is furiously purging its vast cloudy bowels.

Unfortunately, I had a mission to accomplish today...I was going to attempt a 30 km jog in preperation for the Stand-Chart next month...I hit East Coast Park with Dad in the wee hours of the morning....we waited in the car for an eternity, vacillating between our decision to start the run or return to our warm and cosy lodgings...In the end, we succumbed to our fear of the elements, and went home. What a bummer.

On the journey home, the mood was black... mirroring the dark and dire weather conditions. It did not help that a jocund falsetto was crooning "Raindrops Are Falling On My Head" on the car stereo...with much aplomb, if i may add. I've never heard a more mocking rendition. What an irony.

When we finally got home, Mum screamed at us...making our already pitiful situation even worse. At that point of time, I just wanted to run away from it all.

Which I did.

I ended up in Upper Pierce Reservoir, some 15km away from my house.

I thoroughly enjoyed a run and returned home revitalised and rejuvenated... to my Mum's chagrin and consternation. I was chaffed for running away from home...I never expected such a violent backlash from my little act of disobedience...I mean, it's not as if my drunken form was found in some back alley (touch wood)....right? And isn't the government constantly promoting a healthy lifestyle? What's wrong with me going for a short morning jog around my quaint and quiet neighbourhood (i.e. Singapore)? I never expected that my first time running away from home would lead to such unfortunate circumstances (Note to all angsty teenaged Goth-punk rebel wannabes: Never run away in the way I did...It's totally unglam and leads to an unnecessary furore at home.)

Fortunately, Mother, being the kind, magnanimous and compassionate Dear (Hi Mum! Hope you like this description) that she is, forgave me and allowed me to return to her caring and nurturing bosom after I had repented and decried my unholy and shameful personal behaviour.

Ah, it's a great feeling to be loved and forgiven by your Mother!

Now to other issues...Oops, I did it again. I admit...I'm sorry if the things I've said made you feel the way you do....I just want to enjoy the time that we spend together...That's it. And even though I'm say playful and provocative things sometimes, please don't get the wrong idea. I hope you understand...ya.

Met Sam, Roys, Celia and the rest over the holiday season...Thoroughly relished the delicious food at Siti's...It was a great afternoon. *burpz*

On Love, Money and Career

I've had some time to think about my future lately. I'm glad to say that I have emerged much wiser from the contemplation and reflection. I believe that a person's past shapes his future. The experiences and hopes, strengths and vulnerabilities that a person possess at some point of his life, determine his destiny. Here are my thoughts on some relevant issues in my life:

On Love

Love is beautiful because it inspires you to be more than you can be. It teaches you the beauty of self-sacrifice and giving. Love reminds you to take time to smell the Roses...to cherish who ever God has blessed you with...to gain a deeper understanding into the character of two different people (your partner and yourself). Being in love means that you have a little hearth in your heart no matter how violent the storm outside is. It means that you have a reason to wake up in the morning. Love and being loved imbue life with meaning and enrich it with many beautiful and priceless moments...you become strong when you are loved...simply because you don't want to let down those who have placed their hopes in you...Every moment spent loving is a step closer to Heaven...Afterall, what can be purer and more noble than having someone to love?

On Money

My philosophy towards money is, " Make your money work for you"...Gone are the good old days when putting money in a fixed-deposit account would ensure that you would not starve upon retirement. Increasingly, low bank interest rates and ever-rising inflation have dramatically led to the decline in the appeal of fixed-deposit accounts as an instrument to build a nest egg. With the coming of age of Singapore as an international financial hub, there has been an influx of financial products and services. Low risk tolerance? No problem, just buy bonds. Narrow time horizon? Go for REITS. Want a little bit of everything? Then start doing homework on mutual funds and Investment-linked Insurance Policies...After thinking through, I am convinced that my ideal investment portfolio would have the following characteristics:

1) Diversity

In order to reduce the risk of market volatility, I would place my money in a variety of avenues as opposed to just one avenue (eg. equity). This softens the impact if a market crash occurs. I would also be less affected by the vissicitudes of the various markets for financial products. As I have a wide time horizon, I can afford to put more money in annuity schemes and bonds that take a longer time to mature. I have relatively few financial commitments as of now. Therefore, I am not in debt. I can afford to invest more money without fear that I would be unable to service my debts. In this sense, I am less sensitive to large changes in the markets. In a way, my risk tolerance is relatively high.

Diversification is the way to go as I do not believe in being overeliant on any one asset class. Even in the same class of assets, I would devote different proportions of my income to different sub-classes. For instance, a proportionately larger investment in growth stocks as opposed to income stocks. This is because growth stocks have the potential to rise in value, but the value of income stocks is unlikely to rise. Moreover, dividends from income stocks are taxed, but the capital gains from growth stocks are not taxed.

2) Quality

It is useless to have a diversified portfolio if the various funds, stocks and bonds are of low quality. As such, I would do a thorough cost-benefit analysis before purchase. Factors to consider would be potential of the company to grow, future value of earnings per share, current value of the stock and strength of the management. As for bonds, I would have to consider the relationship between the interest rate climate and its impact on the value of the bond. Ideally, I would love to invest in blue-chip stocks and gilt-edged securities. However, the costs of these products will be beyond my means for some time to come.

3) For The Long Term

The stock market rises and falls following decisions driven by greed and fear.
Investing for the long term means that you avoid speculative risks and are less likely to put your money where prevailing market sentiment lies. Doing so could be dangerous because you expose yourself to market volatility.

Assets And Liabilities

Although there are temptations aplenty in today's world, I strongly hope that I can be prudent and avoid overspending or accumulating massive credit card debts. I aim to develop a firm understanding on what constitutes and asset and a liability. For instance, a car is a liability at my stage of life because of high purchase and maintainence costs, not to mention tax and depreciation. In addition, the opportunity cost of purchasing a car is money that could have been spent on investing in other assets.

My Career

I want to practise Corporate or Criminal Law. I want to play a part in upholding corporate governance, justice and transparency in Singapore. I chose to study Law because a legal education trains me to think critically about issues...I was an Arts student, but Law is a much more compelling subject because it requires the highest order thinking skills-evaluation and decision-making...I seek to let my passion and enthusiasm for the subject to manifest itself in every assignment, every assesment and every obstacle. Whatever it takes, I am in this for the long haul.

Someday, I hope to write and teach as well. I want to share my life's experiences with society. I want to be someone whose opinions are valued and respected. I want to be an inspiration to generation upon generation of poets and artists. All of us will die one day. But before I go, I want to leave a body of work that enriches the society that I once lived in.

A gastronomic orgy....steamboat with my platoon...and some keh-le-feh people from the other platoons...Mum-mum time! 

Me AnD MiKe'S kId, OwEn...