Last night was a blast.

Salsa By The Beach was simply brilliant. Prominent Salseros from the local salsa scene shared the stage with Al "Liquid Silver" Espinoza and his partner Karla. The main event was the Salsa Competition...It was like....whoaaa...phew! Of course, too many couples relied on gimmicks like schoolgirl uniforms and furry bikinis to wow the crowd, but the technical prowess and the chemistry of each and every couple were simply excellent. The most theatrical couple was Barry (who taught me the LA syllabus) and Belinda, who enacted a sizzling Bordello scene.

J. was my companion last night. Well, I guess it's not a bad feeling to spend the evening with a princess in a Pepper-red bikini and sarong...although it felt really weird to have her pay for my drinks and the night's entertainment. I've gone out with girls before and this was the first time that I am not going dutch or paying for the girl...but I guess this privelege is something that comes with going out with an older woman.

Anyway, we left halfway through the event and ended up somewhere at Palawan with our Gin and Tonics...We spent the rest of the night getting to know each other better. I think it's really funny cos I thought I know J. reasonably well as a person, but I really got to know other aspects of her last night.

It was a beautiful evening.

"Some people come into our lives, and we are never the same again."~a line on my old coffee mug

Dinner last night was a pleasant experience. It was simply wonderful meeting some old friends and sharing a meal with them at Pizza Hut.

Many people come into my life. I have had my share of shallow and superficial friendships. Often, I have found myself questioning the worth of such relationships. Lately, I have been trying to figure out how to define the term "friend". After all, it seems that so many of the people whom I consider to be friends are little more than casual acquaintances whom I go out with for drinks or dinner once in awhile.

It's nice to watch my friends grow up.

Our class clown is now an aspiring teacher...majoring in English somemore! I wonder what Miss Daljit would say...but then, she always knew that Sam had what it takes to win in life.

Mr. Laid-back is pursuing a Journalism degree in The States...while working towards a lower golf handicap! Royston says he wants to work for ESPN someday...I'm sure his passion will take him the whole nine yards.

The girls are aiming for the stars, working towards careers in the financial sector or the civil service. Lydia hopes to be involved in social work and Ling Fang wants to groom herself as a Chinese broadcast journalist.

As for Mr Tham, I guess his dream would be to be present at Anfield and witness Liverpool trash Man U in the EPL final....by a score of at least 4-0.

And what about me?

I don't know.

I guess I have not really been thinking of what I want to do. When people ask, I usually say that I want to be a criminal litigator...but what do I know about criminal litigation? Close to nothing.

I know that criminal litigators generally have pendulous mood swings and punishing work schedules. I know that criminal litigators are hired to defend rapists, murderers and child molestors in court. I know that many criminal litigator usually quit criminal litigation out of a sense of frustration and because they are so sick of selling their souls.

And yet this is what I tell people I want to be. Why can't I find something within me that would drive me to use my attributes for the good of society? Am I so lost and confused that I choose a career path solely because of my misguided thinking? Sadly, I think I am.

But it is never too late to have a change of heart.

I must open my heart and learn to love. I must stop deceiving myself and other people through my well-disguised words and thoughts. I must learn to embrace my own humanity.

Or I am bound to suffer a lonely and broken existence...never to find inner peace.

Well, having dinner with my friends certainly brought me back to a more innocent time. Even in those days, we were full of emotion....it takes very little to make the bunch of us laugh or cry. From my life in JC, I learnt that laughter may not always be an expression of happiness. Similarly, someone who cries may not be sad-just relieved or feeling something that cannot be expressed clearly in words.

We were always a close bunch...the three guys treated the girls with deep respect...and we were always there for them when they needed us. Skipping lectures, sharing answers and getting into trouble over our GP assignments meant that we were never model students. Yet we bonded through doing such things together. Nobody wanted us to graduate as mugger toads... even our teachers! They were our unwilling accomplices in our daily misdemeanours.

Years later, we would laugh at how meaningless these school rules were. At the same time, all of us know deep in our hearts that it was the desire to escape from the monotony and discipline of the school system that allowed us to become closer to each other.

We needed each other.

We needed each other when we flunked our econs tests. We needed each other when first love turned bitter. We needed each other when our pet dogs died after long bouts with ovarian cancer.

There is a very pure and strong love that I feel when I am with this bunch of friends. Not white-hot sexual tension or the fuzzy warmth that you get after a cuddle with your girlfriend...There is something very unique about the love we have for each other. In a sense, we are a family. We would be there for each other through the rough patches and the storms...We would celebrate together during times of great happiness. These are things that I would never do with some of the "friends" that I have made recently.

I will never bare my soul to the girls I pick up on a night out. I will never share my fears with the "friend's-boyfriend-who-became-my-friend-through-association". You can expect me to bolt if a long lost acquaintance comes to me for a loan of five hundred dollars.

Sam, Royston, Darrelle, Mr Tham...all of them have made my life different.

Every day, I wake up and feel like my life is one long, painful test that some higher power is subjecting me too.

And yet, when good people are sent my way, I know that there is love in this world...and this makes the long, painful test so much more bearable.

I am a lonely person.

I believe that lonely people attract each other like magnets of different polarities.

Despite the ever-widening circles of friends and the love of my family, I feel isolated. Perhaps wallowing in isolation for so long has made me subconsciously seek out and bond with other lonely people.

Who are these lonely people? They are the career-minded female PMEBs who know that they are not spring chickens...They are the lost hearts who have just broken up, looking for someone to fill their emotional vacuum...They are the bored significant others in relationships which have been leached of any feeling and devotion. They are people with too much time and money in their hands...who are jaded and beautiful, who seek someone to share their feelings with.

I am just there to fill the moment with some fun and games. And they in turn, fill my moment with laughter and scrape away a little bit of the loneliness.

Met E. last night at a pub in town.

She said was nursing a beer. Sitting alone and watching the world drift by. I received a message asking if I could come down to join her. I accepted. I was lonely too.

I arrived and was pleasantly greeted by my favourite door bitch...I proceeded to make some casual conversation with her while paying the cover charge. Her manager, a woman with a thick neck and a cold stare, eyed us suspiciously. The door bitch counted the change wrongly and gave me two dollars more...The manager spotted her error and came down on her like a hawk, accusing her of being distracted by the customer. I pointed out that two dollars was a small sum to pay for me to grace their grubby little establishment. I meant it as a joke, but nobody laughed...what a bummer.

I made my way to E.'s table...past the happy bunch of execs celebrating someone's birthday... past the hordes of SPGs and their white accessories... past the cuddling gay couple.

I sat down. We talked. I left to take a pee.

When I came back, she was gone. She left me a message:

thx 4 cmng.

Daddy's tkng me hme now

tc...Nitez~

I looked around. She was really gone.

She left a dish of mixed nuts and half a pint of kilkenny. All the cracker nuts were missing (DARN!)...I decided not to waste the beer, so I downed it...to make myself feel better for wasting 8 bucks on a coke.

So now I am the lonely one...left behind to stare into space.

And then I saw her.

She was staring into space too...so vulnerable, so tender...so lost.

Our eyes made contact.

We smiled...and then I walked towards her...

Phm! Phm! Phm!

Loud, confident steps...the steps of a winner.

" Hullo. Alone?"

"Yah...My friends left without me. You wanna have a drink together?"

And so it begun. She's a nurse...She's from abroad...been around for awhile...She has been here for four years...not many friends...just trying to make ends meet doing what she finds meaningful...and so forth.

Although she's around my age, she seems so determined and intense when she is talking about her dreams and aspirations...totally different from the lost and vulnerable waif I found at the bar scant moments ago.

We talk some more...and then we exchange numbers, setting a time and date for our next meeting. She smiles. I smile back. I get a hug for smiling back.

I promise to call and then I leave.

"Nic you have shit for brains you know...both of you are just leading each other on! You KNOW what your main reason for getting her number is right?...and yet you invite trouble to your door...Go on, go ahead, set yourself up for another fall! Just don't blame me when the shit hits the fan...%^&* you." A small voice within my heart gibbers unintelligibly. By now, the booze has hit my brain and I find myself vocalising these incoherent thoughts to an alarmed audience-a gang of Bangladeshi workers repairing a road at night.

I crumple into bed...but not before I bang my head on the bed slat. I strip in clumsy movements and stare at my pale green ceiling...I read somewhere about somebody being a Great Pyramid of Failure...I start to feel the same way about myself.

This is the way the lonely-hearted end their nights.

Met Stephenie for dinner at Raffles City...Suddenly, it seems like the whole world is grown up. Darrelle, Stephenie...it's just the way they talk...the way they act...giving the impression that they are no longer the kids they used to be.

Anyway, Steph and I were on the subject of earning money...and we came to the shocking revelation that a person who earns 3k a month is actually taking home much less than what we had expected. In Singapore, the middle class is badly squeezed...The rich are smart enough to generate multiple streams of income and augment their wealth through shrewd investments. The poor enjoy rebates on utilities, greatly subsidised housing and bursaries for their children's education. The poor also have less commitments ( eg. no need to pay for car, masters degree, maid etc...). Our middle class does not qualify for many of these subsidies. Neither do they possess enough capital to make good investments. Many aspire to a high-class life but lack the means.It's a sad situation...I am an offspring of the middle class and everyday I witness the hardship my parents endure just to keep our necks above the water. When I get my degrees, I MUST work hard to give them a better life.

Sometimes, I think that we should strive to lead a quality life regardless of financial status. So many people I know get by ok with just 2k or less a month. They look for joy in simple pleasures...like flying kites, fishing or playing basketball. Not everybody needs a Fendi wallet or white truffles to feel happy. On the other hand, I know people who earn 5-figure salaries and who are only able to find happiness through splurging. Even then, this happiness is transient and ephemereal...These people work very hard for their money and believe that having alot in their hands is the key to happiness...this attitude causes them to feel empty and lonely because they place too little value on the important things in life. Things like family, love, freedom...What's the point of driving a vintage Merc if it can't give you warmth or love? Can a Ferragamo bag heal your soul when you have been wounded by the man you love?

Strangely, I've noticed people anthromorphosizing their cars and household appliances...perhaps they are trying to satisfy their innate need to connect with humanity through talking to these inanimate objects and giving them names...My aunt calls her coffee maker Alicia.

My working friends are all struggling in their office-minion appointments...the white collar is a noose and the tie a leash. Back stabbing collegues, diabolical bosses...selling your soul to the establishment...Was this what we dreamt of doing when we signed the pact? I don't think so. What scares me is that these people gradually ease themselves into workplace culture and cease to feel. They forget their dreams and aspirations, neglect their past...lose their humanity...

Wow...a few thousand dollars buys you an automaton...one that can help you take your minutes and make your coffee, while handling full sets of accounts and meeting sales quotas! Not a bad deal right?

What did God create man for? I think if he looked down from Heaven he would laugh at how myopic and foolish his creation is. At the same time, he might be angry at the way his children(us) worship money, fame and TV...Our generation needs a religion-somewhere to place our faith and trust. I don't like the idea of thinking that the admin manager is the highest power in the universe.

Gosh...talking to Steph really set me thinking....wondering if I am suitable for the corporate life. I guess it's good to have at least one meaningful conversation per day.

A slow and stagnant weekend...totally dull, boring and insipid...

J. asked me to accompany her to the nail spa...but my mum wanted me to stay at home and help her pluck tow gay roots...I am not a dutiful, domesticated son, but I thought that I could spare myself some nagging if I just sat down and carried out Her Majesty's orders...Well, I was proven wrong...haiz...

Sometimes, I wonder where I have gone wrong as a son. I mean, I am not a Goth Punk or some connoiseur of synthetic drugs...I am not a rabid chimpanzee or a lycanthrope...I am not a lazy swine who lives off his parents like a patch of parasitic fungus...but from the way my parents talk about me, you might think I am any of the above.

Communication has always been a big problem for my mum and me...maybe cos she was born in the year of the Tiger and I was born in the year of the Ox (or is it buffalo?) Both of us hate to admit that we are in the wrong, even though sometimes our views are illogical or immature. I am so tired and stressed trying to be a good son...Even our quality time is filled with tension...A simple meal at a bistro will be filled with drama and histrionics...a shopping trip to the supermarket will be filled with exploding bombs. She is a fastidious perfectionist, a stickler to detail and deadline, a number cruncher with a somewhat pushy streak...I don't really know what I am. All I know is that I am being suffocated.

At 21, I am a little bit too old to call those Tinkle Friend or Teenage SOS hotlines...I can't exactly define or clarify the problem...so it is futile and meaningless to consult any counsellors...I think my mum will flip if I suggest that we go for counselling. She has always tried TOO HARD to preserve an image of our "wholesome family"...

Someone who believes herself to be my close friend (S.W.B.H.T.B.M.C.F) has been bugging me to go overseas with her...The following exchange is full, authentic and unabridged:

S.W.B.H.T.B.M.C.F: Nixie! ( yes, the tone gives you a crystal clear indication of this person's identity) let's go to India in December!!! My eye is on a 2k package. I've done my homework. WE will have so much fun there...but you must protect me from the molestors hor...HAHAHA

Me: WE havn't even gone to Little India together.

That person: Let's go now lar! see you at the MRT in 15 min!

The next night...

That person: You wanna go to Malaysia this weekend? I need a break from work. I know a good spa in JB.

Me: For What!? To buy pirated dvds? or chewing gum? And I don't have money for spa treatment.

Argh...it's so bizarre...sometimes, I wonder if I am being punished for throwing myself at other women in the past...I sincerely regret my actions now...

Well, a small, little rainbow emerged this week...Finally heard from HER...it's something to be thankful about. God bless her:) even though it has been so long since we've seen each other. It sucks to realise how much you miss a person even though you think that you have moved on...It's like you can't seem to let go...and yet you are happy not to let go...ironic, no?

Met Darrelle for coffee at Liat Towers today. Really great to see her again...I guess we have been keeping in touch less frequently since our lives diverged. I realise that I am good at making friends but not keeping friends...

I think both of us have grown up. She is not as playful as she used to be...Somehow, I think she has found her center and acquired a sense of purpose. She is much more confident and articulate than the last time we met...Darrelle used to be a bundle of spontaneous energy; now she she is so focused and determined.

And what about me? I'm still a sotong. I am still so uncertain about my identity and who I want to be...I have yet to come of age...

Well, I really think that she is going to succeed as a lawyer some day...Somebody as opinionated and outspoken as her is destined for greatness in the legal industry...

I am going to preview "The King And The Clown" tommorrow...First time attending a press screening...it will be a novel experience...really looking forward to it.

A curious incident happened last night...This is what happened...

1700: Derui and I made plans to go for coffee at a neighbouring coffee bean.

1900: Went to Derui's house.

1945: Left for SG...

2000: Received a phone call from N.( yes, THAT N.) asking what I was doing...I told her I was going to SG and she asked if she could join Derui and I...

2005: I agreed...because she was already in the vicinity anyway...

2010: Derui and I arrived in SG and proceeded to XXX hawker centre to buy sugar cane juice...

2015: N. asked us to meet her at a nearby petrol kiosk...

2025: Arrived at the nearby petrol kiosk...N. called and said she is at XXX hawker centre...

2026: Walked back to XXX hawker Centre.

2030: XXX hawker centre bursting with people as usual...managed to find a seat though...

2045: Eat.

2055: Decided to abort coffee plan and go home...having N. around is awkward...Offered to send her home. Asked where she stays and she said 5 minutes walk.

2100: Started walking.

2105: Nope, not there yet...

2115: Still walking....

2125: Still walking...

2130: Still walking...but she says we'll be there in 5 min...and so we continue...

2135: Still walking...

2140: At her void deck...Suddenly, she says she is thirsty and wants to go to a nearby NTUC to buy drink...I pointed out that there was a vending machine in front of her...she says it's too expensive, and prefers to walk to the nearby NTUC...I oblige...

2145: We walk to NTUC...

Some time close to 2200: We return to her block...

And so my adventure ends...I get the feeling that she was prolonging the whole thing...

Lesson learnt: Take the bus next time...and don't be a nice guy to people you don't know well...

What a horrible week...

Things at home are getting tumultous and stormy...very stormy. There seems to be some malevolent spirit lurking in the eaves of my home...sowing discord and goading everyone in my family to hurt each other with senseless, malicious actions. Violent histrionics seem to be a predominant feature of this dark and disturbing play. It's no use pretending that everything is ok...That would be lying to ourselves. We scream at each other without any rhyme or reason. Defiance, oppression and concealment of the truth are the main themes in the drama of my life.

Went for my first Cuba Salsa class...I can't help but feel that signing up for this is a HUGE mistake...Cuban salsa is not commonly used in salsa clubs in Singapore...Most salseros follow the LA style...I guess it was curiosity that made me sign up for Cuban after I completed the LA syllabus... After one lesson, I found the Cuban style odd and bizarre...I'm pretty certain nobody uses the Cuban style on the dance floor...Worse, we got L. and B. as instructors...sianz...now salsa is like drill lesson liao...Listen to the following exchange:

Someone from my class: Why are there Cuban lessons when nobody dances Cuban socially?

L.: Erm...Well, there are lessons because enough people signed up for them?

B.: Hahaha!

L.: So there's a demand!

B.: Hahaha!

L.: ...and if you go to happen to go to Cuba, the people there will dance Cuban style!

B.: Hahaha!

L. : I am sure you don't want the Cubans to think you can't dance right?

B. :Hahaha!

Gosh...I seriously hope I go to Cuba soon...then it would justify me spending money on this thing.

Went for coffee with Stefan, Melissa and Shi Ling on Wednesday...This is the high point of the week...Really enjoyed hanging out with the rest of the FunkyGrad crew...Pity the others could not come though...it would have been even more happening...much more fun too...At the end of our coffee session, I was assigned to interview Daphne Khoo next Saturday...I know nuts about her except for the fact that she was part of SI'04...

Got a phone call from NUS Media Relations Office...Apparently, Lian He Zao Bao wants to interview me for their story on the Double Degree Programme. This is quite unexpected...I can't speak good Mandarin ( My bad, I admit...) so I got the MRO person to translate my views. I'm feeling a little worried though...MRO warned me not to talk about the yucky TV commercial to the media...but I just submitted a scathing tirade against the NUS Ad to STYOUTHINK...Now I'm desperately hoping they would not publish on Monday...It would make me look like the world's biggest hypocrite...

Oxford wants me back...Apparently, I have been offered a place there again...I was invited to some pre-departure thing and instructed to go for a medical check up...This is bad timing...why didn't they catch me before I settled everything with NUS!? Tamade...

Sorry to Desche, Evelyn and Jon...I can't join you guys tonight...have fun...

To Roy...Thanks for inviting me to MoMo on Wednesday...

To Derui, Kai and Ken...See you on Saturday night...Please be there before nine...I don't want to pay 15 bucks for a lousy housepour or soft drink...

That's all folks

Feeling frazzled today...

N. is getting clingy these days...VERY CLINGY!

I get unsolicited phone calls and smses with the corniest lines imaginable...I get asked out at odd hours to far-flung locations "to hang out", "chill" and "talk about life"...

Here's a sample convo that really took place recently:

*Ring Ring*

Me: Hullo?

N. : Hey Nixie! Can you come to XXXX beach now?

Me: No. I'm on my way home.

N. : Oh...Ok...It's...It's just that I am lonely now and feel like talking to someone...~whimpers like an abused rabbit~

Me: Go and play with the starfish lar...( Please lor! You think I'll fly down to XXXX beach meh? I fell for this trick too many times liao la!)

N. : HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You are so funny!!!! ( I'm sure that the people in Pahang could hear her maniacal laughter...I know it's 06/06/06...but can you please don't laugh like that? I'm sure your laughter scares even He-whose-name-we-shall-not-mention back to hell...)

Me: Thanks for asking...I'm really busy these days...sorry.

N. : Busy with?

Me: erm...nothing...

N. : We've known each other for two whole weeks! We're not the (sic) strangers that we used to be! I think I know you well enough to consider you my friend...(Are you sure? Are you Reeeeally sure? Then what was my nickname in Primary school? What's my favourite Gelato flavour? Who was my first crush? When did I pass out from BMT? What was my PSLE score? How did my parents choose my name? Can't answer right? HA!!! I gotcha!)

Me: It's not that...I'm just really busy. Thanks for asking. Next time don't bother to ask la...

N. : Can I meet you at SG Coffee Bean on Wed? (Why are some people so dense?)

Me: See how lor ( Ahhhhh...A nice evasive answer!)

Haiz...I rue the day I introduced myself to N. at a downtown nightspot...

I was playful and she was young...I was bored and she was lonely...I had one martini too much and she was wearing too little...

At this point, I have to say that N. is not a cantankerous baboon with halitosis and Maggi mee hair...In fact, she is tanned, slim and fresh-faced...really young and vivacious...Quite pretty in a Lolita (not lollipop) kinda way... quite a few of the fat, balding office minions at the bar that night hit on her...but it was my number she wanted...

Careful not to let this little ego boost marr my better judgment, I gave her a fake number...However, some unfortunate events caused my real hp number to fall into her little hands...the rest, as they say, is history...

I can't think of any reasons why she bugs me so incessantly...I've come up with a list of frightening possibilities though:

1) She is a malignant Alien Queen who needs a mate to reproduce. Shudder as she releases her insatiable brood from her alien womb to devour all matter on Earth! If this is true, I hope she saves some pizza for me.

2) She is an abandoned android craving warmth and affection from humanity.

3) She is mad and believes herself to be a spy seducing me for state secrets.

4) She is a femme fatale hired by a mafia don whose secrets I have somehow stumbled upon.

5) She is a struggling novelist/ poetess who is suffering from writer's block and sees me as a muse.

6) She is a vampire who needs the blood of one more virgin( no prizes for guessing who) to be able to walk in sunlight.

7) She just got ditched/rejected and is looking for a substitute male to prove her worth/spite her ex/fill the emotional vacuum in her life.

8) A voodoo shaman did something funny with my fingernail clippings. This sordid act of dark Juju magic caused my fate to cross with N.'s

9) She came from a broken home and sees in me the father she never had...

and the scariest one...

10) My mum hired her from a P.I. agency to check if Nicky is naughty...When the time is ripe and evidence is gathered, she would reveal my misdemeanours to my mum! And then it would be curtains for me!

Haiz...whatever it is...she is getting irritating...Tommorrow I shall put my foot firmly to the ground and tell her to stop this...Stop calling me at night...stop asking me to go here and there...stop asking me "how's my day?" six or seven times in a day...stop smsing me and asking me what I am doing now. Stop! Stop! Stop!

But what if she cries?

What a mess...

Conflicted emotional state...

We look for love in bear traps and fish nets...

girl likes boy... boy likes woman...woman likes woman...

nobody makes things clear to each other.

trapped in the web of lies that we weave...

We set ourselves up for the fall...

and when it is too late we point fingers and wail...

NUS Business School Ad

Somehow, this makes those SMU print ads seem much more professionally done...Can't believe I'll be studying at this place soon...Haiz...

Well...i am finally back from China...

Coming home feels really good...I miss Singapore!

Well, I must say that the trip was not bad...I got to visit Tiananmen Square and The Forbidden City ( I still have not found out what exactly is forbidden there!) I had Peking duck at a very atas Chinese restaurant in the Grand Hyatt...Of course, there was the "pick-pocket" incident at the Wangfujing Mcdonald's which ruined an otherwise perfect day. The subsequent visits to some dinghy, dark and damp police stations were not exactly high points either.

HaouHai was not as happening as I had presumed it would be...The resident DJs played a bizarre mix of techno and Chinese Top 40s that I found quite indigestible...I had fun laughing at the names of some of the clubs though..." SEX IN THE CITY", " SACRED FRUIT" and "PEACH GROVE DISCO & NIGHTCLUB"...Really brought me back to the 80s- a decade where OTT-ness was celebrated and embraced. Today, however, such tackiness and cheesiness would be considered "bad taste"

The weather has horrible. I felt like I was a Peking duck being roasted by the heat of the unforgiving sun...Thank God I did not come down with heat stroke! I suffered from some inexplicable hot flushes and some kind of mysterious heat rash...which caused my skin to peel off like POLAR's curry puff pastry crust...

The heat really affected my mood...I was twice as volatile and temperamental then usual...I felt really cantankerous...Good thing there was nobody around me to snap at...

Went to my aunt's house during my time in B.j....Was introduced to her 21 year old housemate...a sad and forlorn Caucasian lady who reminded me of Moaning Myrtle from Harry Porter...Put two of us in a photograph and you would never believe that the two of us are of the same age. I look young enough to be her nephew...

In conclusion, it was a nice holiday...except for the horrid weather.

Very sleepy now...shall take a nap.